


don't try to make me stay (or ask if i'm okay)

by southernconstellations



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sad, Wow ok, and enjoy, don't read if you're triggered easily??, harry's already dead so??, okokok, pls read, sorry if it sucks, suicidal!louis, suicide fic, this is my attempt at sad, w/e ily, xoxo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-06
Updated: 2013-09-06
Packaged: 2017-12-25 13:39:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/953748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/southernconstellations/pseuds/southernconstellations
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>now that harry's gone, what reason has louis got to stay?</p>
            </blockquote>





	don't try to make me stay (or ask if i'm okay)

Louis gets home late that night. He'd been at his mum's for the past three days, visiting her while the band had some time off. The flat feels off but he chooses to ignore it. (Stupid, he's stupid to think he could ignore it for long.)

Figuring Harry's in bed, because it's 2:30AM and all, Louis heads up the stairs, having dropped his bag and kicked his shoes off at the door. Pushing his way into the bathroom, itching his arse off for a shower, (not because he was dirty, really, but because he wanted to smell like home again,) the little lad comes face to face with what just may be the very end of his entire world.

(No, no. It's definitely the end of his entire world.)

And there isn't much he can do but puke out the pasta his mum had made for dinner that evening when he finds a tub filled to the top with bloody water and his boy not coming up from under.

\--

_"Lou,_

_I'm sorry, love. I'm so sorry. This isn't how I thought my life would end. But I suppose the world is full of surprises. And it's also full of hate and I can't quite take it anymore. I love you, though. I love you more than I love absolutely anything. You are my sun and my moon and all of my stars. You are my Heaven. And I know what I'm doing is selfish, and I should be grateful for at least having you in my fucked up life. And I am. Don't get me wrong. I am so grateful for you, baby. But things are just too hard for me. And I'm such a weak lad. You've always been the stronger of us._

_Anyways. Goodbye, Lou. Carry on my memory, yeah? Maybe grow your hair out and curl it. Hahaha, okay. No time for jokes. I love you dearest. You've given me more than I could ever ask for. I'm so thankful. I love you. I love you I love you I love you. More than anything._

_Haz, xxx"_

 

\--

It's been a month. It's been one whole month.

Harry's pillow still smells like Harry. (Along with his whole side of the bed, really.) Harry's closet is still Harry's closet and his clothes still hang unwrinkled and ready for him to wear. (Though he'll never wear them again.) When Louis wakes up he still reaches out in hopes to feel his boy who is no longer there. The feather-haired lad still makes two cups of tea at exactly 9AM and ends up pouring one down the sink at 9:07. He still lays out two towels even though he's the only one getting in the shower. (Speaking of showers, Harry's shampoo goes unused. As does his conditioner and body wash.) Louis' nights still end with Friends despite how tacky that show is. (He only ever watched it because of Harry.) He thinks maybe he should pick the flat up but then he remembers that that was Harry's job. (Things have gotten a bit untidy. Not like he notices, though.)

Everything around the house is pretty much the same. Except for now there is only one occupant. And, well. (That makes all the difference.)

 

\--

When three months rolls around, everybody (everybody exluding the lads,) thinks that Louis should be - if not entirely, at least a little bit - recovered. If you ask Louis, he will give you the finger and slam the door to his and Harry's flat in your face. Because he's not fucking leaving, not getting better until Harry's side of the bed stops smelling like Harry.

(It'd long stopped, mind you. The smell had worn off about 3 weeks ago and the 22 year old could not bring himself to acknowledge this. And he won't say it allowed, but in reality, he's just waiting until he forgets how his boyfriend smelled. Waiting for the walls of his nose to lose track of the apple shampoo he'd spent three years memorizing like the back of his hand.)

All in all, Louis thinks he's fucked for life. And that might've been a problem if he'd wanted to carry on, if he'd had any will to get up out of bed. But a living function cannot operate when it has lost half of what it used to be, and a body is half of a hollow shell when half of the soul occupying it stops waking you up with a smile.  


\--

Louis is not quite ready for the interview he and his three remaining bandmates are about to have to face. No, he is not ready at all.

You can't blame him, though. It's only been 6 months.

(So much happens in 6 months. Hundreds of thousands of lives begin while another hundred thousand end. Kids start school and feel like they're doing something really grand. Secondary students become high school students and realize that the world ends about three times a week. (If only they fucking knew what it feels like to have their world proper ended, Louis would add bitterly.) High schoolers go into Uni and realize just how easy it is to get knocked off your feet. Uni students graduate and become something big and impressive. Businesses are started. Books are written. Murals are painted. With all of the things that can happen in a month, Louis couldn't care less that he's got absolutely nothing to show for it. (Except for a nose that has yet to forget and fingers that feel empty with the ones that aren't between them, a heart that has long since stopped beating. Louis is a walking corpse, he thinks.)) 

The room they're escorted into is bright. It's too fucking bright and Louis winces, thinking to himself, _still not brighter than Harry's smile._ He winces because of that, too.

They're shown to their seats. On either side of him are Liam and Zayn. Furthest to the right sits Niall. Louis can't take his eyes off the floor. (He feels like he's taken for granted all of the times he could've sat by Harry in an interview and didn't. It would've been worth the trouble they would've gotten into.)

When the interviewer strides in, she's wearing a look that feigns sympathy and says, _I'm so sorry for your loss_ , (even though she's not really sorry,) and Louis kind of wants to punch her right in the face. He's sick of apologies. Especially fake ones.

She sits down in front of them. The boys all look so sad but Louis just looks pissed. Because even though he is far more miserable than each person in that room, there's no chance he's showing it. The interviewer introduces herself as Nancy and that's a really gross name, to be honest. She starts with a stupid question.

"So, how have you all.. been holding up?"

Louis rolls his eyes, but nobody catches it. _How have you all been holding up_. It does not taken a rocket scientist to tell that they aren't, haven't been holding up at all. And he kind of wants to punch her in the face even more, now.

But he just lets Liam answer.

"Well, we. We're not doing so great. It's been rather hard on all of us. Especially Lou."

And yeah, that's true. Louis hasn't really been functioning, since the loss of his boyfriend. Because everything around him smells like and reminds him of and feels like Harry.

(Sometimes he'll be driving, and he'll pass a big green field of grass that is just utterly mocking him. It's the kind of field that goes on as far as you can see. It's beautiful and has a million stories to tell. Louis doesn't admire it, though. He drives right past with a bitter bubbling in his stomach. He'll then proceed to pick up a large tub of ice cream - avoiding mint chocolate chip because he's had enough green for one day - and return home in tears. The rest of his night goes to waste and Louis thinks that it's going to be this way for the rest of his life.)

Nancy nods, letting a minute of silence pass before continuing with, "Have you guys taken to cleaning out his flat yet?" And Louis can't help but think of her as so fucking naive because many hints had been dropped in the past about him and Harry still living together. His fingers twitch with the urge to knock her ugly fucking horse teeth out.

But he just lets Niall answer.

"Um, no we haven't. It might be a while before we're ready to do that." He says, and Louis catches as the Irish boy glances at him. Because he knows, he knows very well, that Harry's things aren't ever getting cleaned out.

Nancy nods again, whispering "I understand." _But how could she possibly understand?_ Louis wonders. She's got her fucking life, with her fancy fucking job and she probably has a fucking husband to go home to and fuck every single night, and she's not sitting around in sad sad memories of what was once her everything. And god, this is such bullshit. All of this is bullshit. Louis hates it.

(He hates everything these days. Hates the way the birds sing. Hates how The Notebook is always playing on that stupid fucking movie channel he doesn't try hard enough to avoid. Hates the color pink because it always seems to be as pink as Harry's lips were.)

It's about five stupid questions later, when Louis can feel Nancy's eyes on him, so he looks up at her. His jaw is clenched and his eyes are angry.

"Louis," She begins. Her tone is cautious, testing. Like she's about to bring up a touchy subject or like she's about to accuse and Louis will punch her for either because he's had it, right about now.

Nancy continues with, "We all know you were, out of all the boys, closest to Harry. So of all people, it would have been you who should've known... what was going on with him, that would lead to him taking his own life. Do you.. feel guilty? About not being able to prevent it?"

Louis could fucking kill her.

The other boys notice the darkening of his entire mood (could it even get darker?) and they notice his eyes grow even colder. Zayn tries to stop what he knows is coming, placing a hand on the short lad's shoulder, protesting with, "Lou-" but it's a bit too late for that because Louis' already spitting out a, "Fuck you."

And the interviewer did not expect that, no. Her eyes widen a bit and her face flushes. She stutters out, "I- um, what?" Which only pisses Louis off further. He reiterates.

"I said, fuck you. For having the fucking audacity to ask me such a fucking question." Louis can feel himself getting fired up, now. He didn't want to participate in this interview. He intended on letting the boys answer everything for him, and maybe he'd give a few nods here and there. But wow, Nancy was a cunt.

When she doesn't say anything, he continues.

"You think I didn't know what was going on with him? You fucking idiot, I've got the same thing going on with me. Just because I couldn't stop Harry from killing himself doesn't make it my fucking fault, you cun-"

"I never said it was your fault." She interrupts, shaking her head as if to add you must've misunderstood me. Louis scoffs because she didn't have to say it and he didn't misunderstand a God damn thing. "Oh, but you implied it. Very clearly. And you really don't have any right, to ask me that fucking question. Because of course I feel guilty, but more than anything, I am angry. Angry with insincere cunts like you, angry with all of the arses we call our management. I'm angry with the whole fucking world because it is you all, you money-hungry bastards, who took the life out of my beautiful, beautiful boy."

 

Louis' nostrils are flaring and he's nowhere near finished. Liam, Niall, and Zayn have taken to trying to calm him down. Trying to hold him back and whisper, "Okay, Lou. That's enough." But it's not near enough. It'll never be enough. Louis shoves them all off of him, continues with,

 

"He used to be such a happy lad, you know that? Back at age sixteen when being just a boy was enough. And I was happy, too. I was happy with this band and I was happy with him. We were all happy, for Christ's sake. But then things started to get a bit more serious and being just a boy was not only, not enough, but it was not exceptable. And we had to turn our whole fucking lives around to please the likes of you. Please a bunch of strangers all over the world who didn't even, and still don't, know who we are. We've had to lie and build up stupid facades and still, it wasn't fucking enough."

 

Nancy remains wide-eyed. She's hardly breathing. The boys have stopped trying to hold Louis back. Paul and about two PR managers stand stock-still in the doorway of the room. (Louis knows they know he'll hit him if they try to stop his rampage.)

 

"Nothing's ever been enough. Nothing will ever be enough. And Harry knew that, knew it too fucking well. And he was just a fucking kid. It's no fucking fair, how quick people were to judge him without even fucking knowing him. Wasn't fair for media-sluts to spread filthy rumors about him that were never fucking true. People had all kinds of opinions on my boy. Man whore, womanizer, pizza face. Quite frankly, it would've been so much better had you all just settled on calling him faggot because at least that would've been true."

 

Louis is even surprised with himself, at this point. And maybe he is going a bit over the top, but it was about fucking time.

 

"So, once again, Nancy, fuck you. Because yes, I feel fucking guilty. But at least I tried to save him. At least I tried to tell him how lovely he really was and that the rest of the world's simply a bunch of cowards. And I will regret every day for the rest of my life, that it wasn't enough. But I tried. And that's more than any of you can say."

 

And then it is done. Louis is stomping out of the interview and his three mates are following quickly behind. Paul already has the car waiting outside. Louis sobs on Liam's shoulder the whole ride home.

 

\--

 

That night, Louis lay in bed with his eyes fixed on the ceiling. It's a boring ceiling.

(He remembers when Harry used to talk about how he wanted to paint it dark blue and stick fake stars on it so their home felt a little bit like that of a poet's. He remembers calling him silly and saying what's the point of that when neither of them were poets. But it was fond. It was always fond.)

His eyes are beginning to water up with tears again and no one's there to see it so he lets them fall. They soak his face in a matter of seconds and he doesn't quite know what he's doing when he jokes out an, "I'm sorry" but he knows he means it.

Within a minute, Louis' practically heaving. Breaths coming short and quick and tears literally pouring. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry, I'm sorry."

Harry can't hear him. Harry is gone and it is far too late for apologies. But Louis, he needs to do this. Needs to do it because it's the last thing he's got for his lost boy.

"I'm sorry about what I did at the interview, today," He continues. "I didn't mean to freak out like I did, I promise Harry, I didn't. It was just. How dare her, you know? She had, no right to say what she did and, I couldn't. Couldn't keep my cool. I've only ever been able to do that because you've always been there to touch my stress away but you weren't there to do that today and I just couldn't." This feels a bit silly because Louis is speaking to the fucking air but he does not care. He doesn't.

"And I'm sorry, because I couldn't save you. I'm sorry that I didn't love you hard enough, I really am Harry. I'm so sorry. I tried. You know I tried, don't you? I promise I did."

Louis scrubs at his face, not to try and get the tears to go away but just because he is so, so tired. (He is not done, though.)

"And I just. I wanted to make you as happy as I could. I wanted that more than anything. And please know that I love you so fucking much. More than everything. I still do and I always will. Know that even if you're gone now, you're still the most beautiful thing to have ever been alive. And I'm sorry. I'm just sorry. I'm sorry the world treated you so poorly. You never deserved any of it. Never ever. I wish I could've been enough to keep you here and I hate myself because I wasn't. I'm sorry for everything."

The boy has to stop for a minute. He has to stop and he has to breathe. Breathe a few deep breaths. The crying has slowed but it has not ceased. Once calm enough, Louis finishes with, "I love you, Harry. I love you more than all the things this planet's got to offer. I don't want any part of it if you're not with me. And if there is a Heaven, I know you're up there. I just hope that's where I end up, too."

Louis says his final "Goodnight." It's a shame no one's there to hear it.

 

\--

The next day, Niall and Zayn and Liam bust into Louis' flat after a good ten minutes of knocking. It's not long before they find an empty bottle of pills and an empty bottle of vodka and an empty body that once belonged to Louis.

There is a note. It is short and it reads;

"Sorry, lads.

I've gone to find my boy.

Wish me luck! :)

Take care of yourselves. Please. I love you always.

xx Louis."

The three lasting members of One Direction cry and wish him all the luck in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> you are probably crying and it is not bc this was sad it is bc i am a BAD WRITER but ty for reading ilysm babies!! keep on keepin' on xoxo


End file.
